Past Week

So this week over all has been good- eventful. We went camping last weekend (side note, the flaming guy on tv just asked-- "can i borrow these for a hot second?" wow.) Sorry. ADD. Went camping last weekend, and had fun. This week went from very slow to super busy- which is actually backwards of normal for me... Start hot and heavy on Monday and slow to a drip by Friday. Totally opposite this week... lol.

Then we had Jen's photoshoot on Thursday- which in the end, was great. We had a little set back when she had a bad reaction to her meds and we had to take her to the hospital- six of us hung out in the waiting room for a few hours, and honestly it wasnt bad at all. We kept the air pretty light hearted. Arek (our photographer) was kind enough to come back to the shoot site two hours later- they came out great.

Today I went to ComicCon in Rosemont. It was on my goals list for this year:

Read a book a month

Go to some kind of convention that I know nothing about

Take a class- like pottery, yoga etc.

Anyhow, it was definitely an adventure. Very very fun. Saw a few panels- one was on the movie Alien Trespass? with the dad from the wonder years and the exec. producer from the Xfiles which was really cool :) Don, Ferris and I got to sit in the front row through that one and the one for Marvel Comics- those guys were hilarious. Then I sat through the twilight panel- Marcus, Alec and Paul (the werewolf). Very fun- all laid back people. The guy who plays Paul is named Alex- and he's a martial artist. So, apparently when he met the guy slated to play Quill, he thought that he was kind of a sissy, and needed to teach him to throw a punch. So, in the end, not on purpose Quill broke Paul's nose.

Yeah, so I believe that tonight we're going to see the new GI Joe movie with Don and Ferris- we'll see :)

Diet last week was a success. Lost 8lbs in 4 days...
Gained 3 of it back over the weekend by camping out and eating smores. Bummer.

Saw some photos posted of me- didnt even recognize myself... not a good sign.

hostile

I dont know whats come over me- or why I even bother writing in this stupid blog anyway. I only really do it when I'm angry. I almost blew up at Nathan yesterday- no good reason at all- seriously. I was really hungry, because I was on that 1200 calorie diet, and wanted to make us dinner- like I have been doing every night this week... the same thing. But the dishes weren't done- so I began to wash the pot that I needed to make the talapia in, but there were so many dishes that there literally wasnt room for me to wash. Nathan comes over and just begins talking to me casually- all of a sudden, out of no where, with no provocation, I feel like a kettle on the boil. Like every emotion in my whole body good or bad has bubbled up to about my chin, and it was about to boil over- overflowing obscenities. It was like a thesaurus of negativity had burst its bindings in my brain.

I just looked at Nathan- and before I could unleash a stream of rage wider than the Tigris, I realized that he had done nothing wrong- and it was just me... being totally irrational. I cried a little bit and brushed it off.

Today- I went shopping after work. Nathan's got this camping trip planned for this weekend- It's him, mandie, Christine and I. Originally it was supposed to be Nathan and I, Christine and Mouse- but to be totally honest I dont know either of them as well as I'd like. Mouse had to cancel last minute- and I didnt really feel comfortable with myself and a very attractive single young woman sleeping in a tent with my husband. First person to come to my mind was Mandie- she's great at diffusing situations, very laid back, quick to come up with a joke or relax the mood.

Now that I'm thinking about it, since I left college, I've had an awful time with meeting new people. It gets harder and harder for me every day- like concrete that's drying around my feet. I feel it, I'm aware of it, but there's nothing you can really do by yourself when you're already ankle deep in it. I always thought of myself as being a people person, some one who could be patient, or relate to people. I dont any more. I'm patient and short tempered with new people- after a few minutes I begin to tune them out. Thinking, this person is of no consequence to me. My life tomorrow will be the same as it was yesterday- with or without them. I hate being like this.

so . Yeah. Camping. Went shopping and bought the food/ supplies that we'd need for this little excursion. left two or three bags in the trunk of my car- with both arms full of goods trying make my way into the apartment. I knew exactly what I had to get done this evening. I needed to do laundry, make dinner, pack the supplies and then, finally after a really stressful week, get to relax with my husband. He got home from work about an hour after I did. I asked him before he even got home to please bring in the remaining bags from the trunk, be begrudgingly obliged. He wasnt home twenty minutes, when he got a call from a young girl and guy that he had met at a LAN party two weeks back. They wanted him to go hang out this evening. Now, this might have been okay, be it not for all of the laundry that needs to be done for this trip tomorrow. Or for the fact that they were both over here on Tuesday night from 7pm til midnight with him. I orded a few pizzas and went to bed around 9. Why am I so angry about this? I dont know, but man it's really eating me up. No kidding. I feel frustrated, unappreciated and unloved. All this from like, ten minutes of contact.

Maybe its because we began to have a semi- fight a few nights back, right before his friends showed up (come to think of it). And it never really got resolved. I dont really remember how it started. But I remember him saying that he gave up his military dreams for me a long time ago. Like salt in a paper cut. Said most little boys have a hero complex and need to save the world. I remember those words- when we were on our break, several years back, he told me that one of the reasons that he began dating me was because he saw that I had a jaded past. i needed rescuing.

I just feel so angry- I want to cry but I cant. it wouldnt make any sense. I just want to feel something other than this twisting in my stomach. I know it must show on my face- every thing does.

I think I'll dye my hair tonight.

overwhelmed

I think that it's pretty clear that i am the kind of person who always has to have something to look forward to.

I'm always thinking--- only four more days until I get to sleep in... or only twenty hours til I see my friends... whatever the case may be. Lately it's been getting a house. No secret there. Last night I found out that my savings were less than a quarter of what I thought they were. To say that I'm a little distressed is an understatement. I just feel really out of control- like I need to get a handle on stuff.

The promotion at work is going really well. Lots of hours- tons of them in fact. I stayed until 6:30 on Friday getting stuff done for the new Nightmare on Elm St., movie. I'm just really nervous now that I know I've got more responsibilities. I'm afraid that the boss is going to say, 'Ive made a mistake, you're really not worth X dollars an hour.' *sigh*

Why am I so flipping emo!?!?

failblog and lolcats are the only thing that could even make me smile today.

alone

That fear that eats away at me- without me even knowing its there. 

I hate the idea of being alone. Things just always seem to go wrong. I can do it for a day or two... then I kind of crash emotionally. I start to wonder if the person who left me ever wanted to be with me in the first place... or maybe they're just escaping from me. Do I need to be escaped from?

I went for a run this evening... that just kind of validates how depressed I really am. I hate running. The only reason I run is to take my anger out on the sidewalk instead of someone I love. 

I just feel... so unlovable 

rant.

Okay so maybe it's just that i got a higher dose of estrogen this weekend than normal from being with the girls, but I feel totally emotional right now. Like everything is just too much- even though I swear, it's nothing at all. 

I am really upset that what started out like a weekend for my sister and future brother in law to come up to visit/ do wedding dress stuff, has ended up being the "perfect opportunity" to have Davey's open house. Don't get me wrong, yes I am very proud that he got his GED. Do I think that he needs a big party to celebrate? No. With parties comes chaos, lots of cleaning, a jittery mother and frustrations all around. I just wanted a laid back weekend with the fam- take Dee out and get her into a pretty white gown- ya know? Does that seem like too much to ask for? 

Nana and Papa are coming into town, which we already knew about. We're all very excited to see them- but they're both really laid back anyway. So after said plans had been made, for Dee and Chris to come up, specifically because our grandparents would be there and they want him to meet them--- some one decides- that's not enough packed into one weekend. 

So what should have been A) Chris meeting g-rents/ hanging with the fam/ dress shopping

has turned into B) the house being way too crowded for us to be there comfortably/ Daveys' open house- sheer madness/ Tammy and the babies being there too- 

so like I stated earlier- I love my family. really I do. love my brother- am proud of the little bugger. Love Tammy and the boys. But where did I go wrong here?

I canceled my plans to go and see Nathan's family over that weekend so I could stay home and not even have room to move around the parent's house? Great. Maybe we'll change our plans back.

Gary Face

So new posting- inspired by last night's mini mayhem. Gary, the fortune cookie, has been with me from the beginning of time. Psych. Hows bout the beginning of Olivet. We were in the all girl's (way cooler than your momma) Omega group- kicked butt. It was the first time that I ever really had close girl friends. Corinne, Mandie, Carmel, Katy and Sherri were by far the saving grace of my freshman year at ONU. We nicknamed her Gary because she rarely spoke, kind of like Sponge Bob's pet snail. Or was it because she played a man named Gary in a skit? I dunno, pick one of the above. She's a fortune cookie, because though she rarely spoke (being the radically timid woman that we now know her to be *cough cough*), it was always worth listening to those pearls of wisdom when they show up.
Mandie Fay (amanda lynn) is one of my most favoritest people ever- an avid marathon runner and tanning goddess :) I know for a fact that this woman does not know her own value (and I'm not talking about cadaver value). She is by far one of the most talented actresses (or actors) that I have ever known- and inside jokes? lets not get me started on that page :D I just sincerely wish that prince charming would ride into the picture with a bag of pretzels and a bottle of ketchup to sweep her off of her feet.